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1. The Drums
2. Running in Church
3. Sex (or the mention thereof)
4. Drugs (just the illegal ones…and beer)
5. Rock and Roll
6. Strong Disagreements
7. Hard Questions
8. Mini-skirts
9. Tattoos, Odd Hair Colors, and Body Piercing
10. Emergent Churches

During a term at college some friends decided to visit a local mega-church. They invited me along, and we were all pretty excited to check things out. That morning we met up outside of our dorm rooms, but someone was running a little late. We made it to the church parking lot a few minutes after the service started, but that is about far as we got. As we made our way towards the entrance, an usher was closing the doors.

When my friend asked him to hold the door for us, he held up his hand to halt our progression, and told us frankly how the service was full. He continued sternly to tell us that we would have to wait until the next service, and that we should come early if we wanted to be admitted.

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-Jeremy

We have a school at our church so a while ago, our principal, Scott, came into my office for assistance with some drunk people. They had wondered aimlessly onto the steps of our building. We don’t like to tell people to leave, we actually want to get to know them if possible.

The more drunk they are, the better. They are much more open than they normally would be. There on the steps we found Brandon and his friend Paula. They were just resting, drinking, and arguing a little bit. Typical for a Tuesday morning.

As we introduced ourselves Paula began telling us how bad Brandon was, and how he needed help from his alcoholism. We heard about his being homeless and somewhat broken, but Paula reassured us that she was fine. Brandon was the one who had the problem. She was just drinking with him this morning because she was a good friend. I totally agreed with her logic. Any good friend would drink with their buddy to make them feel better.

After letting them finish their beers we let them know that for child safety reasons we needed them to leave the steps. We offered them a ride somewhere and Paula took us up on it. This is where the adventure really begins. Knowing that Paula was sloshed, loaded, or if you are English, pissed, we tried hard to figure out where she needed to go.

The first place we took her ended up being a dead end, for some reason we don’t remember. I think she was afraid her husband would find out she was drunk, and she didn’t want him to know. We were thinking, “He probably already knows”, but I didn’t want to burst her bubble. As we continued driving, a great song blared over the radio. If you know anything about music, talent, great vocals, and great lyrics, you know Paula Abdul.

Yes, Paula Abdul’s “straight up” was playing on the radio. With great excitement I let Paula know that Paula Abdul was on the radio” I exclaimed “Hey we got Paula on the radio and Paula in the back seat” what a great coincidence. Acknowledging this miracle, Paula, the one in the back seat began whaling on the Chorus.

“Straight up now tell me, do you really wanna love me forever, oh oh oh, or am I caught in a hit and run?” I asked if that was a rhetorical question, or if she really wanted to know the answer. She didn’t understand my question, so I just began singing along with her. I wish you could have heard our harmonies, they were beautiful. We really made some sweet music that day.

We finally came to our final destination, where we had to say our goodbyes. I am not sure what country Paula is from, but I think they say goodbye differently than we do. She reached over the back of my seat, put me in a sleeper hold and kissed my face. This wasn’t just any kiss, this was a wet kiss, that lasted a few seconds. Stunned by her affection toward me, I was speechless. All I could do was say, “okay, see you later.”

Scott being a great guy, got out of the car and opened Paula’s door for her. A great gentlemen needs his reward, so Paula went in for the kill. She wrapped her arms tightly around Scott’s neck, and planted a wet on on Scott’s left ear. I was a little disappointed that she missed the lips, but that had to suffice.

I am not sure what will happen with Brandon or Paula, but I know that something happened to both Scott and I that day. Not only did we get kissed by an intoxicated woman that we had never met, we were able to see God’s love for his creation in the midst of brokenness and pain. I know that I too am broken and intoxicated with sin at times and in desperate need of Christ’s forgiveness and restoration. My hope is that Paula and Brandon will enter into that forgiveness and be restored by the love of Jesus Christ.

–Submitted By Zach B.

Today we are proud to announce that we have our own domain name! Please visit our official site at www.funnyinchurch.com

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Thanks for making all of this possible. As always, if you have a great story about church life, please share it with us.

Blessings,
Jeremy

I just had lunch with a friend. He is also a youth pastor, so we consider our time together a “business meeting,” which is why I am writing about it here.

There were two similar stories exchanged during our meal, both dealing with a particularly disturbing trend. The death of good customer service. Companies are spending millions of advertising dollars competing for the image of the best in customer service, yet from the mom and pop, to giant corporation we see it all the time. Bad service.

This friend of mine needs a written document showing that he is in good financial standings, for an adoption. He thought it would make sense for him to visit his bank. Unfortunately, it is the banks policy not to give out the forms he needs. In this case, the “customer care” group specifically stated they could not help in this matter. In order for my friend to get what he needs, he would actually have to take all of his money out of his account, transfer it to another bank, just to get a form. They would give him cash, but not a worthless peice of paper.

Yesterday, I called customer care to schedule a parts replacement for our church bus. The car manufacturer sent us a letter informing us of a parts recall, so I called our local dealership who politely informed me they could not perform this service. They gave me another number to could call.

This led to 6 more phone calls and 2 transfers before I got a hold of a person who said they could do this for me. I was estatic. Unfortunately, when I asked where they were located it was in another state.

Do you have a customer service nightmare?

I only remember one phrase after taking two years of Spanish. Donde esta el bano? Which means, “where is the restroom?” For some reason, when the teacher went over this phrase and it’s definition, my survival instincts told me, “this is a phrase that could come in handy some day.”

Once, on a mission trip to Mexico our drive time was continually extended by extra stops along the way. Every time we we needed gas people would get get out of the van to buy something to drink, which would then require additional stops later on down the road.

After 15 minutes of driving from one particular stop, a kid in the back row, named Dan, yelled up, “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Everyone groaned. “Are you kidding?”

He wasn’t. Apparently, Dan started chugging his 32 oz. drink as soon as he got back into the vehicle, instead of wisely rationing his liquid intake.

We didn’t stop. Even if we had wanted to, we didn’t have time. All I remember is Dan frantically shouting “quick, get me another bottle!”

As the smell of urine wafted forward, others violently fought for a position near the few windows that actually opened. Needless to say we took the next exit to dispose of our trash.

As we drove into the Mexican village where we were staying, a small child waved to us with one hand, and held his pants down with the other. A stream of yellow liquid arched away from his body towards a puddle on the side of the road.

This young local quickly revealed something to me that I am still quite upset about. The phrase I had been so careful to memorized, would be of little use to me here in Mexico.