Top 10 Reasons to Sit in The Back Pew

1. To hide your embarrassing bald spot.

2. Gaining the ability to leave effortlessly, without having to awkwardly shimmy past those who congregate in the center isles to talk.

3. It allows you to track who gets up to use the restroom, and tally how many times.

4. To rest your head against the back wall for optimal sleep performance.

5. Provides the opportunity to guesstimate the cash intake of the morning offering.

6. If a terrorist comes in, the chances of him walking past you are much higher, allowing you to become a hero, or quietly slip out the back.

7. If you fart, you can point at someone next to you when everyone turns around.

8. To earn money by challenging your friend to make faces at the pastor, competing to see who can get him to laugh first.

9. You can put notes into a bottle, and roll them down to your friend in the front row.

10. It allows you to join the sound people when they hurry down for communion, and then go again when the ushers dismiss your row.

The Next Top 10 List will be
“Reasons it stinks to be a Pastor’s Kid”

If you have any suggestions please send me a comment. If I use your idea, I will add your link in the post.

Children’s Bibles

As our little one grows up, my wife and I have been looking for a good children’s Bible. In the process of researching which one would be the best, we have made a startling observation.

These children’s Bibles, for lack a better term, have been edited. In my first Children’s Bible there was the Adam and Eve account, with naked people and foliage, hiding all the right parts. This is called editing, and in this regard, I think the choice to keep the pictures from turning pornographic is a good call. Yet, in the endeavor to find a Kid’s Bible like mine, we have been frustrated.

My Old-School Picture Bible had a lot of great stories, like Cain killing his brother, with bloody comic-book type renderings. I dare you to try to find that story in one of these new Bibles. It can’t be done. They simply do not exist.

One of my all-time favorite stories, David and Goliath, had some amazing artwork. From the stone being flung from the sling, to the moment of impact on Goliath’s forehead. With gushing blood, and the Philistine armies panicked reaction. Oh, and let’s not forget about David cutting off Goliath’s head. What child wouldn’t want to read about this? I spent hours pouring over these full color pages.

Unfortunately, today’s children will have to suffer through a kid friendly, no frills story, with a cartoon-like picture of David and Goliath, doing pretty much nothing.

This is a shame. I suspect that for this reason alone we will see a dramatic drop in how many children read the Bible. Apparently, in order for our kids to accurately learn these life changing stories, we will need to act them out in our living room.

So if any of you know where I can purchase a sacrificial lamb (and you are not a PETA representative) please leave me a comment and let me know.

The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is On Fire…

Down through the ages, someone decided it would be a good idea to let children play with fire in church. The position of Acolyte is a coveted one among older children, and we all know why.

It’s the power and responsibility one feels, knowing that with a simple mistake the whole room could go up in flames. Every adult eye is on the wick, hoping and praying it doesn’t go out, and that the candles will cooperate and take flame. You can actually feel people start to breath again when everything is safely lit.

The worst is when you get a kid who obviously doesn’t take the whole candle lighting thing seriously. His wick is always too long with a flame the size of a small camp fire, or its too short and the fire dies prematurely. This kid’s candle never lights on the first try, and requires repeated attempts, before the partner, or nearest adult steps in to save the day.

I wonder if our fire extinguishers are up to code?

2 Cars + Kids = No Room

We had gathered in a parking lot to caravan to a camp with a bunch of middle school kids. Myself, and another leader, Shannon, were organizing transportation.

We had more than enough vehicles to fit the kids in, but it was about a 4 hour drive to camp. So we wanted to figure out how to get all the kids into the least amount of vehicles.

We start counting kids, which is no easy task, because middle school kids on skateboards move rather quickly. After about the seventh or eigth head-count, we finally decided we could fit everyone into two vans. Excitedly we tell all the kids to hop into the vehicles.

Just as we are about to drive away, a spare kid knocks on my window, looking a little panick stricken, he says, “The other van is full! Is there any room in this one?”

There was not. Which goes to show you that…

One additional car + lots of extra leg room later, and we were off to camp.

Self Appointed Camp Musician Guy

There is one in every bunch. This is such a funny video, from a Young Life leader in Saranac.

Check out more video’s from This Leader on YouTube

It’s Getting Hot in Here…

Apparently the world has changed drastically in the last couple of years. For the most part churches could avoid or hide from the drastic leaps in technology that the pagans revelled in, but this is no longer the case.

Now churches have podcasts, and blogs, and all sorts of other words the unenlightened must wikipedia. As a youth pastor I am usually up on the latest, and enjoy scoffing at friends who are just now setting up their myspace pages.

Then a few days ago, someone asked me if I Twitter. Not wanting to look ignorant I responded by saying that I am a frequent Twitterer, or Twitteree, and could even be considered somewhat of a Twitterist. Then I went straight home to figure out what this person was talking about. I learned I am not a Twitterbug, nor do I have any desire to become one…by the way if you twitter, I am currently typing these words (inside joke).

So we’re in church and the preacher is preaching, and everything is status quo, until someones phone went off to the tune of “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes.”

And I of course thought of all of you. Wait, not because I want you to take your clothes off…that didn’t come out right…I didn’t…oh, never mind.

The Bayer Adoption Garage Sale

I know, I know…this is supposed to be about church. Well in this particular case it is about church, but it happens away from the building, at a house.

In this case it is the home of our family friends, Zach & Holly Bayer. The reason this is about church is that a community of people have gathered around this couple, to help them adopt a child from Ethiopia.

People have generously given them televisions, couches, fine china, and a kitchen sink (literally), for a garage sale, to raise money. Apparently when you adopt you have to pay thousands of dollars in fees to get a baby. This is not to be confused with buying a baby, which can only be done on the black market. I imagine this requires speaking to people who either have curly mustaches or wear eye patches (but are not pirates).

This morning, Zach called me over to help him move a TV they just sold to a single woman, who did not have the means of teleporting the item to her home. I’ve moved furniture before, so I think this will be a piece of cake.

It was not. The TV wasn’t huge, but it was awkward to move because it can’t be removed from the wooden hutch it resides within. Add to that the brilliant idea from the manufacturer to put it on a swivel stand. And, if that isn’t enough, there are no wheels.

This unit which remember does not come apart, is chest high, and must be carried from the bottom as there is no where to grip it from the sides. Another defect I blame on the manufacturer.

In order to get this beastly object from point A to point B, we both had to overcome a serious obstacle for most men. Pride.

You see, with people watching us, we had to pick up the unit and get it as far as we could. Which on average was about three-and-a-half feet.

Internally, we are both thinking “I don’t want to put this thing down, that would be admitting defeat, but I think I just cut my hand open. Is that blood? I think I’m gonna pass out.”

Another time I thought “I can go another eight steps, no problem, oh no, my hand slipped and now I’m holding my end with one hand and my ear…PUT IT DOWN, PUT IT DOWN!”

We finally made it. All the way out of the garage and into the truck (about 15 feet). It took about a half hour.

We get to the ladies apartment complex and park. She tells us she is apartment one hundred something. Which is about a hundred yards from where we parked. We start praying for God to give us super human strength. He sent us a maintenance worker with a hand dolly.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Caden + Church = Potty Training

This Sunday my nephew, who is three years old, visited our church for Easter. Right as a song was ending at the pinnacle of silence, he frantically blurts out “I have to pee!”

The timing was perfect. Everyone within a square mile heard him, and grins and chuckles abounded.

Since I was sitting on the end, my instincts told me it would be a good idea to move out of the way. From the tone of my nephew’s voice, I was guessing he needed to go rather quickly.

Later, the person sitting behind said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you move so fast.”

Do you have any funny stories about kids in church?

Late Night Church Monsters

Churches can be a place of hope, and light, and warmth. Church can also be a terrifying place, especially at night. Occasionally, as the last staff person to leave, it would fall on me to go around and lock up. This required making sure that all of our heating, computers, and lights were turned off.

Once everything in our church was off, it went from dark to pitch black. For some reason the light switches were nowhere near the exit doors, so you would have to feel your way to safety. All the way along, hearing creaks and groans coming from floor boards, closets, and window panes.

I’m not ashamed to admit, that I am still a little bit afraid of the dark. Well, not so much the dark, but the idea of what can happen in the dark. You know, falling down stairs, running into sharp metal objects, being chased by monsters. The usual stuff.

If it’s possible, I think I may have prayed harder in church during those late evening lock-ups, than I did during morning services.

Ritz Crackers and Racoons

I was in high school when our youth group got together with other groups from our denomination. I was bunking with a college chaperon, I idolized named Dave Melendez.

One day after a morning session, I was on my way back to the room when all of a sudden Dave, and another leader named Kevin, quickly bust out of the room. Slamming the sliding glass door behind them, they look around with a look of panic, and instruct me hastily, “Do not go in there!”

So now I’m a little curious, but before I can ask what’s going on, I hear the sound of breaking glass and screeching.

Dave and Kevin look at each other, like they just broke dad’s favorite chair, and Kevin takes off, presumably to hide, or get help, or both.

Apparently, at some point in the morning these two wonderful spiritual role models decided to entice a raccoon to come into the room with cookies, and then trap it for observation.

They did not realize that raccoons, when trapped, have the strength and agility to rip apart curtains, bedding, knock over lamp stands, tear down shower curtains, and do a number of other destructive things, all in the span of about 3 minutes.

About $250 dollars in damage later, the raccoon was safely released back into the wild, and Dave and Kevin learned a valuable lesson on respecting God’s creatures.