Archive for the ‘church’ category

Funny in Church has Gone Big!

June 10, 2008

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Top 10 Things in Church that are of the Devil, Unless You’re Emergent

April 16, 2008

1. The Drums
2. Running in Church
3. Sex (or the mention thereof)
4. Drugs (just the illegal ones…and beer)
5. Rock and Roll
6. Strong Disagreements
7. Hard Questions
8. Mini-skirts
9. Tattoos, Odd Hair Colors, and Body Piercing
10. Emergent Churches

Grumpy Greeters and Who Need a Waiting Room

April 16, 2008

During a term at college some friends decided to visit a local mega-church. They invited me along, and we were all pretty excited to check things out. That morning we met up outside of our dorm rooms, but someone was running a little late. We made it to the church parking lot a few minutes after the service started, but that is about far as we got. As we made our way towards the entrance, an usher was closing the doors.

When my friend asked him to hold the door for us, he held up his hand to halt our progression, and told us frankly how the service was full. He continued sternly to tell us that we would have to wait until the next service, and that we should come early if we wanted to be admitted.

I think this is why Jesus spent a lot of time preaching outside. Can you imagine his disciples telling people they would have to wait till the next service to hear about God’s love? Something tells me Jesus would not have allowed that to continue.

One time while he was preaching inside, people actually tore the roof off to see him, and what’s amazing is, he doesn’t seem all that upset about it. I don’t think that would have gone over well at this church.

The Church of Oprah Windfrey

April 14, 2008

A lot of people think Oprah is either a god, or the anti-Christ. That seems a little bit extreme. I have some opinions of how Oprah’s life could be different, and her “Big Give,” seems like it has more to do with improving her public image, than actually benefiting others.

Oh no you didn’t. Don’t you dare talk bad about my Oprah! Lord forgive him, he knows not what he’s doing. I can’t read this trash anymore. Where is the back button on this site?

Wet, passionate, intoxicated Kiss

April 14, 2008

We have a school at our church so a while ago, our principal, Scott, came into my office for assistance with some drunk people. They had wondered aimlessly onto the steps of our building. We don’t like to tell people to leave, we actually want to get to know them if possible.

The more drunk they are, the better. They are much more open than they normally would be. There on the steps we found Brandon and his friend Paula. They were just resting, drinking, and arguing a little bit. Typical for a Tuesday morning.

As we introduced ourselves Paula began telling us how bad Brandon was, and how he needed help from his alcoholism. We heard about his being homeless and somewhat broken, but Paula reassured us that she was fine. Brandon was the one who had the problem. She was just drinking with him this morning because she was a good friend. I totally agreed with her logic. Any good friend would drink with their buddy to make them feel better.

After letting them finish their beers we let them know that for child safety reasons we needed them to leave the steps. We offered them a ride somewhere and Paula took us up on it. This is where the adventure really begins. Knowing that Paula was sloshed, loaded, or if you are English, pissed, we tried hard to figure out where she needed to go.

The first place we took her ended up being a dead end, for some reason we don’t remember. I think she was afraid her husband would find out she was drunk, and she didn’t want him to know. We were thinking, “He probably already knows”, but I didn’t want to burst her bubble. As we continued driving, a great song blared over the radio. If you know anything about music, talent, great vocals, and great lyrics, you know Paula Abdul.

Yes, Paula Abdul’s “straight up” was playing on the radio. With great excitement I let Paula know that Paula Abdul was on the radio” I exclaimed “Hey we got Paula on the radio and Paula in the back seat” what a great coincidence. Acknowledging this miracle, Paula, the one in the back seat began whaling on the Chorus.

“Straight up now tell me, do you really wanna love me forever, oh oh oh, or am I caught in a hit and run?” I asked if that was a rhetorical question, or if she really wanted to know the answer. She didn’t understand my question, so I just began singing along with her. I wish you could have heard our harmonies, they were beautiful. We really made some sweet music that day.

We finally came to our final destination, where we had to say our goodbyes. I am not sure what country Paula is from, but I think they say goodbye differently than we do. She reached over the back of my seat, put me in a sleeper hold and kissed my face. This wasn’t just any kiss, this was a wet kiss, that lasted a few seconds. Stunned by her affection toward me, I was speechless. All I could do was say, “okay, see you later.”

Scott being a great guy, got out of the car and opened Paula’s door for her. A great gentlemen needs his reward, so Paula went in for the kill. She wrapped her arms tightly around Scott’s neck, and planted a wet on on Scott’s left ear. I was a little disappointed that she missed the lips, but that had to suffice.

I am not sure what will happen with Brandon or Paula, but I know that something happened to both Scott and I that day. Not only did we get kissed by an intoxicated woman that we had never met, we were able to see God’s love for his creation in the midst of brokenness and pain. I know that I too am broken and intoxicated with sin at times and in desperate need of Christ’s forgiveness and restoration. My hope is that Paula and Brandon will enter into that forgiveness and be restored by the love of Jesus Christ.

–Submitted By Zach B.

Top 10 Reasons to Sit in The Back Pew

April 6, 2008

1. To hide your embarrassing bald spot.

2. Gaining the ability to leave effortlessly, without having to awkwardly shimmy past those who congregate in the center isles to talk.

3. It allows you to track who gets up to use the restroom, and tally how many times.

4. To rest your head against the back wall for optimal sleep performance.

5. Provides the opportunity to guesstimate the cash intake of the morning offering.

6. If a terrorist comes in, the chances of him walking past you are much higher, allowing you to become a hero, or quietly slip out the back.

7. If you fart, you can point at someone next to you when everyone turns around.

8. To earn money by challenging your friend to make faces at the pastor, competing to see who can get him to laugh first.

9. You can put notes into a bottle, and roll them down to your friend in the front row.

10. It allows you to join the sound people when they hurry down for communion, and then go again when the ushers dismiss your row.

The Next Top 10 List will be
“Reasons it stinks to be a Pastor’s Kid”

If you have any suggestions please send me a comment. If I use your idea, I will add your link in the post.

Children’s Bibles

April 4, 2008

As our little one grows up, my wife and I have been looking for a good children’s Bible. In the process of researching which one would be the best, we have made a startling observation.

These children’s Bibles, for lack a better term, have been edited. In my first Children’s Bible there was the Adam and Eve account, with naked people and foliage, hiding all the right parts. This is called editing, and in this regard, I think the choice to keep the pictures from turning pornographic is a good call. Yet, in the endeavor to find a Kid’s Bible like mine, we have been frustrated.

My Old-School Picture Bible had a lot of great stories, like Cain killing his brother, with bloody comic-book type renderings. I dare you to try to find that story in one of these new Bibles. It can’t be done. They simply do not exist.

One of my all-time favorite stories, David and Goliath, had some amazing artwork. From the stone being flung from the sling, to the moment of impact on Goliath’s forehead. With gushing blood, and the Philistine armies panicked reaction. Oh, and let’s not forget about David cutting off Goliath’s head. What child wouldn’t want to read about this? I spent hours pouring over these full color pages.

Unfortunately, today’s children will have to suffer through a kid friendly, no frills story, with a cartoon-like picture of David and Goliath, doing pretty much nothing.

This is a shame. I suspect that for this reason alone we will see a dramatic drop in how many children read the Bible. Apparently, in order for our kids to accurately learn these life changing stories, we will need to act them out in our living room.

So if any of you know where I can purchase a sacrificial lamb (and you are not a PETA representative) please leave me a comment and let me know.