Archive for the ‘Humor’ category

Funny in Church has Gone Big!

June 10, 2008

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Top 10 Things in Church that are of the Devil, Unless You’re Emergent

April 16, 2008

1. The Drums
2. Running in Church
3. Sex (or the mention thereof)
4. Drugs (just the illegal ones…and beer)
5. Rock and Roll
6. Strong Disagreements
7. Hard Questions
8. Mini-skirts
9. Tattoos, Odd Hair Colors, and Body Piercing
10. Emergent Churches

Grumpy Greeters and Who Need a Waiting Room

April 16, 2008

During a term at college some friends decided to visit a local mega-church. They invited me along, and we were all pretty excited to check things out. That morning we met up outside of our dorm rooms, but someone was running a little late. We made it to the church parking lot a few minutes after the service started, but that is about far as we got. As we made our way towards the entrance, an usher was closing the doors.

When my friend asked him to hold the door for us, he held up his hand to halt our progression, and told us frankly how the service was full. He continued sternly to tell us that we would have to wait until the next service, and that we should come early if we wanted to be admitted.

I think this is why Jesus spent a lot of time preaching outside. Can you imagine his disciples telling people they would have to wait till the next service to hear about God’s love? Something tells me Jesus would not have allowed that to continue.

One time while he was preaching inside, people actually tore the roof off to see him, and what’s amazing is, he doesn’t seem all that upset about it. I don’t think that would have gone over well at this church.

The Church of Oprah Windfrey

April 14, 2008

A lot of people think Oprah is either a god, or the anti-Christ. That seems a little bit extreme. I have some opinions of how Oprah’s life could be different, and her “Big Give,” seems like it has more to do with improving her public image, than actually benefiting others.

Oh no you didn’t. Don’t you dare talk bad about my Oprah! Lord forgive him, he knows not what he’s doing. I can’t read this trash anymore. Where is the back button on this site?

Top 10 Reasons to Sit in The Back Pew

April 6, 2008

1. To hide your embarrassing bald spot.

2. Gaining the ability to leave effortlessly, without having to awkwardly shimmy past those who congregate in the center isles to talk.

3. It allows you to track who gets up to use the restroom, and tally how many times.

4. To rest your head against the back wall for optimal sleep performance.

5. Provides the opportunity to guesstimate the cash intake of the morning offering.

6. If a terrorist comes in, the chances of him walking past you are much higher, allowing you to become a hero, or quietly slip out the back.

7. If you fart, you can point at someone next to you when everyone turns around.

8. To earn money by challenging your friend to make faces at the pastor, competing to see who can get him to laugh first.

9. You can put notes into a bottle, and roll them down to your friend in the front row.

10. It allows you to join the sound people when they hurry down for communion, and then go again when the ushers dismiss your row.

The Next Top 10 List will be
“Reasons it stinks to be a Pastor’s Kid”

If you have any suggestions please send me a comment. If I use your idea, I will add your link in the post.

Children’s Bibles

April 4, 2008

As our little one grows up, my wife and I have been looking for a good children’s Bible. In the process of researching which one would be the best, we have made a startling observation.

These children’s Bibles, for lack a better term, have been edited. In my first Children’s Bible there was the Adam and Eve account, with naked people and foliage, hiding all the right parts. This is called editing, and in this regard, I think the choice to keep the pictures from turning pornographic is a good call. Yet, in the endeavor to find a Kid’s Bible like mine, we have been frustrated.

My Old-School Picture Bible had a lot of great stories, like Cain killing his brother, with bloody comic-book type renderings. I dare you to try to find that story in one of these new Bibles. It can’t be done. They simply do not exist.

One of my all-time favorite stories, David and Goliath, had some amazing artwork. From the stone being flung from the sling, to the moment of impact on Goliath’s forehead. With gushing blood, and the Philistine armies panicked reaction. Oh, and let’s not forget about David cutting off Goliath’s head. What child wouldn’t want to read about this? I spent hours pouring over these full color pages.

Unfortunately, today’s children will have to suffer through a kid friendly, no frills story, with a cartoon-like picture of David and Goliath, doing pretty much nothing.

This is a shame. I suspect that for this reason alone we will see a dramatic drop in how many children read the Bible. Apparently, in order for our kids to accurately learn these life changing stories, we will need to act them out in our living room.

So if any of you know where I can purchase a sacrificial lamb (and you are not a PETA representative) please leave me a comment and let me know.

2 Cars + Kids = No Room

April 2, 2008

We had gathered in a parking lot to caravan to a camp with a bunch of middle school kids. Myself, and another leader, Shannon, were organizing transportation.

We had more than enough vehicles to fit the kids in, but it was about a 4 hour drive to camp. So we wanted to figure out how to get all the kids into the least amount of vehicles.

We start counting kids, which is no easy task, because middle school kids on skateboards move rather quickly. After about the seventh or eigth head-count, we finally decided we could fit everyone into two vans. Excitedly we tell all the kids to hop into the vehicles.

Just as we are about to drive away, a spare kid knocks on my window, looking a little panick stricken, he says, “The other van is full! Is there any room in this one?”

There was not. Which goes to show you that…

One additional car + lots of extra leg room later, and we were off to camp.